Just a few more images from 2007, the first year I had my Baby Danny.
I find myself going back to Dan's first year, all the time, and comparing, where I was at then, as well as the two puppies - I was strong and able bodied and we walked everywhere, I can't do that with Gabe. I was also very messed up emotionally on a few counts and I am vastly more stable, grounded, mature now.
Gabe is a typical puppy and wants to chase cats, dig the garden, destroy everything in his path, and he's a typical RR in that he has selective hearing for coming when called. Dan was a pretty easy puppy in those areas - on counter surfing, and his long walks (probably too long for his age, I know better now) made him more tired. He wasn't a counter surfer or a digger and his recall was astounding - but he was batshit crazy at times and worried me endlessly.
Dan had intermittent colitis from 5 months old and I had to feed so much to keep his weight up I worried he would bloat.
Gabe has good poops unless he scores cat food and he seems to gain weight quickly, so I am concerned the calorie limitation is not providing enough micronutrient for growth.
I had virtually no money in 2007 and I have some now, but I also felt so much hope and energy then whereas I fight for every drop of positivity I can muster these days.
Dan and I were wild and free, Gabriel and I live with much restriction.
But love is love is love.
In the Dan years I experienced massive spiritual growth , that was my main focus in life - and I humbly submit I have attained a fair bit in that regard.
The years ahead, should I be granted them, have to focus more on material healing, my work, my back, my finances. And to do so without losing the lessons from the Dan years, so sacred and precious to me, as he was and is.
I struggle with such disorientation, how the Dan years flew by, as though it was all a dream. I did try to make every moment count, but still, I blinked and it's all over. I struggle with Dan's death, I go through phases - one day I am comforted by the many images of him around the house, the next I am haunted, I cannot bear to look at them. Sometimes I feel guilty that I love Gabriel, and sometimes I feel guilty (towards Gabriel) that the love I bear Danny is still so heavy in my soul. It's all difficult, but I know it is a process, and when autumn arrives, as it has now, I remind myself I had 15 autumns with Dan and this is the first without him.
That I lived with Dan as my constant companion for 5,216 days - and have lived with Gabe for 89.
So I celebrate the past, I explore the Mystery of it's passing, I continue to practise gratitude for what was, and what is, while striving hard to shape what will be - including the lessons and growth of the Dan years, into a time ahead of balance and peace.
Right now, the pain is still so raw and merciless...but Gabriel is a very strong antidote to the despair that often comes with it.
Fall of 2007
A serious face at the back door...
The famous Danny squint, after Lila scored his treat...
Sweetness..
Dan with his brother Brody (on the left)
Art by Dan. He really didn't destroy a lot, but he had a real vendetta against this watering can....
