November

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                            My sweetheart, snaps from Novembers gone by.

                Loved with a love beyond all feeling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears.

Puppy kindergarten, Nov 2006

We were listening to Tapestry (well, I was) and I shot a video of him refusing to look at me. Cherished.

He was four here, still loved first snow.

     Several shots from 2011, he LOVED  that big rock and always jumped up on it every single time we   walked that trail, even in the snow. <3 Happiest days of my life, bar none.

                                           First November at the new place

                                    Oh that little babyface he did, and the ears....2017

 2018.....He looks kind of miserable but he LOVED that grinch, courtesy of the Bark Box. (we had given up trying to trim nails at this pint, with his heart diagnosis and how over the top he got about trims)
At this point, 12 and three months, I could see some changes, we were getting more bloodwork, and he often looked  unwell in pics, but would explode into normal Danny behaviour once the camera was gone. I adjusted and re-adjusted his diet...and walked twice a day, albeit shorter ones. I look back and wonder if he was really sad, having left all our joyful days of freedom behind. But he never seemed very happy when I took him back to the old trails, he looked forward to  his short, leashed walks around here seemingly much more.

A lot more of this  (above)  by November 2019. He was 13 and three months and seemed tired a lot. A few months later he would start passing blood in his urine,intermittently, and we did Xrays, urinalysis etc but no ultrasound as the thinking was, it was prostate. Really, it was the first signs of his cancer. I just kept him warm and comfy and well fed and entertained in short bursts. On the occasions he'd get up and be his "old self" - throw a catbed, rip up a cardboard box, empty a garbage basket - my heart both sang with joy and ached with foreshadowing. I knew we were nearing the end, but I was managing my grief by focusing on fighting for him.

There are no pics from November 2020, his last: by then we knew he had GOLPP on top of the heart disease and he was passing bloody urine daily, sometimes with clots. I was in no mood for pictures, also a month after finding out my "lumbar sprain" is actually four vertebral fractures due to severe osteoporosis. It was a terribly hard time. I don't know what altered state I was in that pulled me through Christmas, but I did it - presents, meals, the tree. Maybe that's how I got through the inevitability of losing Danny.  And he stayed stable for me, with his  severe blood and blockages starting in January, and his final day in early February.

 Danny, my Rabbit, I love and miss you so.The joy you brought me will last forever...even as  this sorrow will as well.

Samhain, 2021

 This Samhain - last night/today, is my first without my Dan in 15 years. We had 15 of them together and now, I walk forward without his physical presence beside me, not now nor ever again.
That said, he is strongly here in spirit, when I call. And yesterday/ last night - I called.

I am in a strange place, spiritually. It's a lot to go into, and I'm sure many are dealing with the same - loss, depression, despair for the world, broken hearted, fearful  - some have the kind of faith that pulls them through these Dark Nights - others like myself, kind of have to do it on our own. I've neglected a lot of what I consider my spiritual practise, these past few years since I became the sole breadwinner, experienced severe health issues, and watched my darling heart Danny weaken and die.  I realized recently the time spent in spiritual practise, in Inner work, in offerings and meditation, in sacred art and reading - in the forest! is not time I can just cut out of my life to answer a few dozen more emails, squeeze in time to mark assignments, help set up a new site or blog. After doing my client work and caring for my animals, it's next on the list. And already I feel...supported and stronger. I decided to do something yesterday and today, although I don't feel up to ritual, I honoured my ancestors and reached out to my sweetheart, I cooked (applesauce,Gabe's meatloaf shared with Dan, soul cakes as always and Nikiah Seed's intriguing spicy chocolate cake.). I sained the house, lit candles for my ancestors of blood and place, and  journaled.

I also cut down some mugwort (my stand out back is just incredible  - new shoots and leaves all the time) and harvested some rosemary, to make bundles, with the cedar I brought form Rupert, last visit. Today I will take them to the cemetery, where I plan to visit the ancestors buried there, in Rupert - going back four generations as far as I can track them - my great great grandparents buried near the sacred place I lived for 12 years. I will just leave a few on the graves of the people who lived here so many years ago, as I bless them and thank them for my life. Nothing more, not yet - although my work healing ancestral pain has a long way to go, it's so important to move cautiously.

Danny in about....2011? At a favorite Sit Spot of mine while I was doing the Kamana work. The Rupert Union Cemetery is in the far right corner, where several generations of my maternal grandmother's family are buried.

My great great grandparent's grave, in Rupert- apparently James' mother is buried here as well, she is down on record as having died here - but I cannot locate her grave as yet.

I have resumed my ancestral and animism studies with Daniel Foor, and allotted specific times daily to make offerings, to tend my shrines, to read and relax.

And yes, with a seven month old puppy who would give the fabled Marley a run for the money, plus a more-than-fulltime job,  this isn't easy. This morning while I made coffee, Gabriel started pulling the new mattress apart - he has already ripped my big splurge - new flannel sheets for the bigger bed - to shreds, again in the morning when I was too groggy to keep up with him. But, like taking real weekends, not fake ones where I still answer emails all day, has made a difference for me and I have seen the power of making space for my spiritual/emotional needs as well. I'll be keeping this up.



Talking to Dan - more...formally? than I usually do, was powerful - agonizing, but filled with so much love. I decided, too, that I'd take out his Little (my name for his harness) and wash it -  that was very hard, as it was covered with his fur, and I didn't want to lose that - but it was also a bit stinky, and I want to keep his little pine box of special things smelling sweet, so I washed it. The pain just engulfed me the whole time, and I sang The Lost Words Blessing as I did it. ..and after I had, I saw that some of his fur had remained.
 

Yesterday and today have been strange, powerful, and I'm  just grateful I still have the strength to do some baking, some ritual, on top of all the work. Gabe is beside me and so very loving - but as I said to a friend the other day, even if I had my health suddenly back, enough money to retire, and all the world's problems were solved in a flash - I'd be deep in grief, because I have lost Dan. All the good things in my life, which I cherish, and am so deeply grateful for - do not change the reality of loss.  And that's what love is - traveling this life together, with our loved ones, and then staying connected and conscious after we lose them. Grief is powerful; and omnipresent, and complicated - it will take as long as it takes.  

                 

                  Clean harness and one of his Rabbit toys, on the wooden box filled with memories.

              Blessings and love to all of you walking this Path of Pain; my heart is with you.