Coming here today, I see several more unpublished Drafts, things I've started to write and then realized they are more like journal pieces, for me to keep in my Grief journal, or Danny's Unicorn Book, a little journal I bought to keep random, personal memories in. What's the point of an online diary - a blog - anyway? As my friend, the illustrious and gracious Sidney puts it - "no one reads them anymore anyway".
But still, there are things that want to come out publicly, no? This morning, I'm listening to Anonymous Four on Spotify, Korky in the background, setting up my day at work, Gabe has had his breakfast and lying quietly like the good boy he is, waiting for his walk. My back is at a 6, which sucks for this time of the day, but likely had to do with my sleep position, which is often cramped and constrained due to the presence of the Hundred Pound Puppy, but that's a trade off I can live with. Coffee is good, day not too busy, horrendous saga with my email continues and it's starting to become the new normal. 68 degrees at 7:30 does not bode well, I am miserable already.
In other words, Just Another Day.
And then - scrolling through my feed on Facebook - I see a post about Blue Vervain. Verbena hastata, grows all over the place, a deeply sacred and medicinal plant, a fellow herbalist posted a brief comment on the uses of it.
And hey, there we are...transported. There I am, lost - memory creeps in, or more like, swoops in over me, covering the world, all else stops and there we are, Danny, you and me - that time I found a huge patch of vervain, plenty for harvest, off the road, and had to pull over jump out and grab some. I had my gathering basket and various knives in the back, it was a quiet spot; you stayed in the car; I never took any chances having you out loose with me when there was any chance of a vehicle coming by. (You were and are so very precious). I parked so I could watch the car while I did the harvesting - I had an intense, probably irrational fear of someone stealing you from me, just the worst thought imaginable, if I left you unattended for a moment. (This made all the errands and shopping I had to do the last few years, when Alex was gone most of the time, very challenging. I'm sure people thought I was crazy, constantly leaving my cart of groceries or whatever to run to the window and check.) I went as quickly as I could, leaving a small offering of thanks, and packing my haul in the backseat before we headed home...often with a quick stop at the Rupert Community centre, for you to have a short run, and me to just glory in the freedom, the happiness, the simple daily joy of being with you, in that magical place.
Basket of blue vervain, ready to process, July2014
This post, you know, is not about vervain, although I have to say that the clearest, most persistent memories are often of you and I wild crafting - that huge stand of mullein that was poisoned the very next day; our pine and spruce resin forays; days up at Eddie Beltrans, mostly Goldenrod from there but many baskets of acorns too; all the agrimony and New England aster from the path behind the RCC. Those were, hands down, the happiest, most blessed and grace-filled days of my life. And as I always said, Monk - "you and you and only you".
Whatever I have now, or will have in future, those words mean that only you shared that sacred time and only you were with me every moment through the long transformation from who I was in 2006, to who I was when you left me, that overcast terrible February morning, fifteen years later.
Only you will live forever in sacred time as the companion of my heart and my canine soulmate through the most magical time, the best time, of my entire life.
And so many things trigger memory - today it was a post on FB about blue vervain, another day it's unpacking fall decor and remembering buying that stuff when you were still here, it could just be the way the light filters through the trees at dusk. It always hurts, it sometimes hurts so much my heart collapses with the pain of memory, but it is always there. you are with me always my darling, my Rabbit, my boy.
You and you and only you.
