And I think that's all great, expressing wherever you are at, but mostly it's not for me this year - I am trying to focus goals, work with the changes in my life these days, refine and reinvent my worklife...but I didn't do the omens this year, nor even draw my Animal cards on Jan 1. I did however, like the idea of reviewing the last decade... but not on FB. It will be long and I completely understand if no one is really interested! All I put on FB was a picture of Danny, yesterday (January 1) out in the snow, 13 years old, still with me after all these years. The joy of my days, the love of my heart. Dan, whom I brought home in the fall of 2006, entered and exited 2010- 2020 beside me...every step, as we are basically never apart other than him waiting in a van with my partner while I see the doctor or do a bit of shopping. That's right - I work from home, and Danny is always with me, our routine has barely varied in 13 years - except for the fact I cannot go on walks (since last summer) and we had to move in 2017.
We had years that were truly idyllic, magical and blessed - most especially the first eight, 2006 - 2014. I adored my life in Rupert, the ancestral connections, the combination of open fields, small hamlets, hidden lakes and enchanted forest that makes up this part of the world. Danny and I walked daily, often for hours, in the woods while I looked for wild plants, worked on identification, and set small stone altars all around this sacred area, where not only my grandmother, as I once thought, but two great grandparents were born and died, buried in a local cemetery. It was a time that was timeless, as if lived in a faerie ring; Danny embodied joy in living and I was at the height of my personal happiness and freedom. In summer he rambled closeby while I collected mullein flowers from a nearby field, he slept or sat in his chair watching deer in the "the back forty" while I made medicines, worked, read and he unwillingly! lay at the end of the tether I set for him when I gardened, in the small but intensely magical space where I grew borage, comfrey, elecampane, marshmallow, calendula, lady's mantle, mugwort, motherwort, echinacea, monarda and more.
In autumn, he loved the hours spent digging roots and watching me prep medicines for winter - elderberry syrup, all kinds of teas and tinctures, fire cider and more...loved the couple of "safe walks" we had during hunting season... crisp sunny days spent rooting through growing mounds of maple, oak and birch leaves...our winters were characterized by short intense bursts of walking, both of us bundled to the hilt, then home for warm bone broth (him) and cocoa (me)...long hours curled together under a pile of blankets, sleeping and dreaming, waiting for spring.
And spring, perhaps the most glorious of all, as the earth emerged from under all.that.snow, the energy of awakening here is indescribable! All our walks were squishy brown and wet, but then, suddenly, overnight this burst of the deepest emerald all around. Birds returning, streams rushing, a zillion places to rediscover and explore ...of all our years and times in Rupert, it is spring...before swarms of insects, no intense heat, hunters or 30 below temperatures - that brings the greatest smile in remembrance, and is most sharply, painfully, missed.
And then, 2015. For DAN, it continued as usual - forest walks, garden days, long sleeps and great food - for me, it meant the loss of two of my dearest friends (I'd thought) then an attack on my reputation from a nasty competitor, then another of those - then my beloved cat Quinn getting killed on the road, and the whole thing winding up with Alex almost dying - which is horrific enough in itself, but the subsequent loss of income as he could no longer work fulltime, has shaped my life ever since.
And then, March 2016, as I struggled to get an herbal course going that would be a great offering for students and bring in enough to augment the modest income I make consulting - I was abruptly handed a "reno-viction" notice, meaning I would now lose the place that I loved more than anywhere else, despite it's myriad drawbacks - lose my garden, my deer, my well dug- in life....and where on earth would we go? Me and all my books, animals, my temple and apothecary? I barely slept from March 2016 to the following May, when we found Owlhaven, and I knew we'd be safe.
But, the enormous amount of work it took to pack up and move, on top of my need to basically work twice the number of hours I can manage, combined with the terrible sadness and loss, set me up for the physical collapse I went through earlier last year, which is too harsh, too complicated, to even try and sum up in a few lines here, or anywhere.
All of 2019 I was sick, dealing with suspected angina that turned out to be a peptic ulcer, then adverse reactions to the meds I was given to manage the ulcer, and lastly, a very nasty lumbar sprain in September just as I was getting on my feet somewhat. A chain of issues all relating the the same central patterns in my life, which I have been working to undo and amend. I lost a group of friends I cared about deeply, when I was unable to fulfil my work commitments at the time set out, and lost major website support AGAIN leaving me without means to figure it out and manage it myself (much less the strength just yet to put the hours in). The work goes on, but it is not easy.
SO very briefly, in the last decade, I
- went through menopause which was much easier than I anticipated, thank the gods
-completed several courses/diplomas in herbalism and animal nutrition, not as many as I hoped for, but advanced my knowledge a good bit
- built a strong reputation in my profession and increased income dramatically, to the point I can live - modestly, but live - on what I earn
- wrote for Plant Healer Magazine, which was a powerful boost to my work both internally (confidence) and professionally
-lost my Mother and a beloved Aunt, neither of whom I had seen in two decades
- learned such an incredible amount about plant medicine from the place I lived and the growing/gathering/medicine making that took place there
- discovered my personal resonance with Druidry, which changed my life immensely
-developed a couple of online courses (animal nutrition and herbalism) which proved to be popular and lucrative
- lost two friends I considered family
- lost several beloved animal friends, including Lorelei my dove, Quinn and Amidala (cats) Tina and Amara (dogs) Clementine and Ben the ball pythons, and Ricardo the Bearded Dragoon.
-lost my beloved home, but found a new one; beautiful, safer, more secluded, and surrounded by owls.
There are other events, I mean it was ten years! Above all, I deepened my Spirit Work, did so much innerwork I can say without hesitation, I left the decade almost a different human from the one I was when it started. If nothing else, if NOTHING else in my life, I value that.
I see so much loss above, but a lot of gain,too - and through it all, this. This is what I am most grateful for, my sweetheart, Anam cara, my heart.
This post is much longer than I had planned, so I am going to wrap up now. I have plans, hopes and goals for the year and decade ahead, but that will have to wait for another day. For now - reflections are good, clarity is power - looking back can be difficult but it can also be empowering. ..we can all benefit from self analysis, I think, much more than a FB post can provide. So, this today has been my little bit of public consideration of my last ten years...much more Innerwork to do, but isn't there always?
Happy New Year to all my friends and readers- if any, yet! . May the year ahead bring growth and hope and strength and love.
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