This morning I was reading through my "LarPar Support Group" - for people whose dogs have this horrible condition, and seeing so much grief and stress, along with hope, anxiety, enthusiastic research and above all, love. And just letting my own go-go-go attitude drop for a day, I allowed myself to move gently into all that I'm feeling, and yes, it is all of the above....deep anxiety and worry, but also the joy in still having him, gratitude for all the years, fatigue (so.much,fatigue) and anticipatory grief.
Honestly though I've been in varying degrees of AG since his heart condition was diagnosed a couple years ago. It's accelerated greatly this past couple of weeks, but I have some tools in the kit, and thought maybe today I'd share a bit about how I'm coping.
First...let me say there are days (or parts of a day) where I'm not really coping well at all. I had one of those last week and basically cried all day;I do actually believe that in itself may be part of a larger coping strategy. For those of us who bottle up, or carry on despite total misery, letting the floodgates open - that enables us to move on with the next day. I felt lighter and clearer the next day - so, yep, "falling apart" is part of how we - or let me say, I - cope.
But, there are other ways. :)
I made a list today of what helps me, as I walk this leg of the journey with my darling heart -as I face sleep issues, enhanced back pain from stress, crying jags, depression, and a never ending sense of both sorrow and fear. I have a bunch of other creatures here who love me and need me, and I am working fulltime and then some, so I need to stay ok. Here's my shortlist - and your own ideas are most welcome.
1) Work (surprise, surprise). and by this I don't mean 14 hour days doing herb and nutrition consults - that, but also work around here, which I can really only do in the morning when my back is relatively ok after sleep. Chores are good,the ones I can still do! and then later, working with clients, marking assignments etc. I lose myself in it and for a while, I forget. Dishes, dusting, laundry I can do, and it is helpful, simple stuff.
2) Cats - an afternoon lie down is an assurance that cats will pile on me - Mithrandir gets there first, followed by zhouzhou and Tatyana - Frank and Evita will gaze longingly but not join in the battle for Mom's lap. These cats are very sweet and contented, but Moms lap brings out something ferocious in three of them.
One we're settled, the circle of purring just....helps.
3) TV - remember when it was sooo uncool to watch television? Well I am far past caring about coolness, but it's good that people recognize tv for a good-and-potentially bad thing. With so much rampant addiction to ipods etc, watching an hour or three of good telly at night seems pretty benign. Like work, I get lost in a well done series - right now we are re-watching ER, and we do a movie here and there - old and new. Dan is always beside me and unless he is wheezing, we melt into comfort and he sleeps, I escape into a storyline.
How much did I cry watching this last night? well definitely like it wasn't for the third time already. :)
Oh and for anyone wants to watch the whole heart -wrenching thing:
4) Baking! Probably all I have to say about that (and soup making, both are so very therapeutic).
Chocolate acorn flour cake, a fall standby I didn't make this year, but now feel like I need to.
5) Pema Chodron - her online course on staying grounded in a groundless time, is proving invaluable.My whole day is worse if I skip the exercises in the morning. https://www.soundstrue.com/products/embracing-the-unknown
6) Looking over the photo records of the past 14 years. That sounds like it might not be such a good thing- but it can be, if I enjoy the reminiscence - if I start to feel weepy or weird, I just stop.In the right mood, it helps me remember what we have had, and that helps the sense of sadness about what we're going to lose.
7) Knowledge - in the right mood (all of the above have to be approached in the right mood, or they won't be helpful) delving deeply into research about Dan's condition is empowering. I can't do too much, but every day I seem to learn a bit more, prepare a bit more, and that's a good thing. I can also share that knowledge with others, which brings me to...
8).... reaching out to others in need, my online community. Facebook is just amazing for me, my personal Timeline, my own canine health group and now the amazing larpar group. I appreciate and love you all so much.
9) Korky. Just....Korky. (Hello, psycho. Can I have a kiss?) Because laughter really is, at least some of the time, the best medicine.
10) Christmas stuff - maybe a bit of lunacy at a time when expenses are so high and income so restricted, but I will do what I can on a shoestring. I know that it's very possible Dan will be gone by Christmas and I won't feel like anything, but for the others here I will not cancel Christmas. I've been looking at pinterest and etsy and all kind of youtube videos on decor ideas,and planning what I can afford at a bare minimum and what we can add if things ease up. It's a good distraction even if all we do is put up our existing decor and have a few days lying around in jammies.
I've been threatening to get this for Alex for years, and I think this will be the one I finally cave.
11) Druidic work - I am in the Bardic grade with OBOD (Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids) and the work provides me with peace, balance, distraction from worry and also emphasizes my sense of death as passage, not as punishment, enlarges my sense of purpose outside of caregiver, provider and chronic worrier.. This part of my day is essential. Every day.
Hope you can see this, if at all interested. Druidry is not really as weird as it sounds.
So, a few of my strategies, and somehow I am making it through, day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I am off now for a furpile/purrfest and some chai, because it is, after all, Sunday. I'd love to hear how you cope with grief, especially anticipatory. I will be making a Danny scrapbook soon as well, but that's another entry. He is ok as of right now, and therefore, so am I.
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