Saving Grace

“What does it mean to practice the spiritual life?  When we embody practices, we live into them and they shape our habits of being.  We have to practice being present to the moment, because our tendency – and the world around us conspires in this – is to be distracted.  The monk practices contemplation so that in her whole life she can become conscious of the sacred presence beating through the heart of the world.”

Christine Valters Paintner

Although I am neither Christian nor a monk, I do strive to embody my spiritual beliefs with practise. Much of this practise is simply in how I live my life, striving to be a kinder person,  interact with humans compassionately (it is not a struggle for me to do so with animals)  and live contemplatively, which for me means using my intellect to sort through the emotions that can dominate us all in a negative way if not understood. Head and heart in balance, a great message of the Tarot (by which I mean the Waite/Smith Tarot, not the SilveryMoon-Unicorn- Positive Messages-Instagram versions, which are fine if they work for you, no judgement!  I have a few of those decks myself... but the Tarot I know and actually work with is the  Waite).

 

I strive for understanding and for embodiment of my highest goals, spiritually. I seldom if ever make the mark. I was allegedly a great Mom to Dan, despite canceling that Barkbox and being unable to walk after my injury- I struggle with wishing I had been more perfect, when in fact the unwavering and souldeep love I have for him is in itself, perfection.

I have been struggling so much these last few days. SO much. How do I move forward, will this depression ever lift - do I even want it to lift, if despair is all I have left tying me to Dan? And then I talked a long time to him this morning, and felt a lifting, a clarity (the head balancing the heart). I wrote in my grief journal the following lines: 

"With Danny, there was always so much love focused on me and from me and through me, I was able to grow, spiritually, able to live through all the difficulties of my life with grace and a sense that I am valuable,  more than that - indispensable.  And that was a sacred Gift at that time - this needy little boy who basically adored me from the moment we met.

I cannot betray the Gift by half-dying now. I need to carry the fruit of all that love forward. The... better me, the incredible amount of learning I did, the groundedness I found. He is physically gone, forever, and his absence is everywhere, but he can live in my heart 'as teacher and mentor' to quote Kent Nerburn. By going forward despite incredible pain, I honour the magic, mystery and beauty of Who We Are to each other...not "were" but are and always will be.   The Gift of Love, and his own special gift of sweetness and joy."

The grieving heart is not rational - but that said -why would I want despair to be my lasting link to this beautiful soul? I am a long way off the ultimate goal of "metabolizing grief to praise" as Martin Prechtel puts it, but recognizing that I am holding tight to my pain as the last thread connecting me with Daniel, that is very helpful. So, today at least, I come to the following....

....me feeling happiness is not a betrayal. Me finding my way forward is not a betrayal. Me looking back with gratitude is not only not a betrayal, it is the ultimate praise, the very best tribute to all that Danny was to me, all that those Golden Days were to me, all that the temple built in my soul means, and would never have been possible without him.

 

 The Inner Temple, by Autumn Skye

 So...this is the Practise I need to embody right now. Moving into a sense of gratitude, of his beautiful legacy,  knowing that what his love facilitated in me was a Divine Gift, and those who sneer "but he was just a dog" are of no account at all, in this. He was so much more.  He was, in all his sweetness, devotion and love, the saving of me, no overstatement there at all.

And I was not gifted with this Saving Grace to throw it all away once his earthly body had worn out. That, would be the ultimate betrayal... would it not?

At six weeks past his death I am still in the first shockwave/acute pain stage, there is a long journey ahead - but I can make a little start, can't I.