....breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land
These oft-quoted lines resonate deeply right now as we move into Spring here in the Hills, that season of magic and wonder that Danny and I loved so much - April and May, our two "most special-ist" months. Often the long winter and sensitive nature of Ridgebacks meant we did little walking in the winter - we'd get out, but for a perfunctory half hour (or less, if he starting gazing pleadingly at me and holding up a paw). Winter would be filled with hearty food and long cuddles, but eventually got boring for us both, and April - APRIL! was really just the best thing ever. Even before things got warmed up and green, we'd be out there, traipsing through the fields and woodlands, free at last! Some of my very best memories are from April and May - before the heat and bugs, after the long harsh freeze.
So this first April of Danny's absence is especially painful and cruel.
I spent most of yesterday crying as I worked on cases. I was too depressed to do anything but get my work done and go to bed.
Today, so far, is lighter, but in this journey I am on, that can change anytime. I grab these few hours here and there of relative "okayness' with both hands, and hang on for dear life. This weekend, I'm marking some papers, and ordering the supplies to start my "Dan Was Here" project. The beauty of weekends is I can, really, do whatever I feel like. If I'm in despair I can lose myself in a tv series. If I feel moderately lighter, I can do some work. Always, I can bake.
But the reality of grief is that for many of us, "firsts are the worsts' and April/May for me, will be unabashedly brutal. The sunshine, the motherwort and nettle shoots, the buds on birch and lilac, wrench my heart in a million pieces.
I put together some images from Danny's Aprils - a bit horrified there are years with no pictures at all from this month, but I can also understand why - in April 2019, for example, I was in and out of hospital with a suspected heart issue. One of a million regrets: I should have taken more pics. But, here is a selection of what I do have. And next month, I will do May. I have lots and lots of May.
APRIL 2007
Doesn't he look thoughtful and mature, for just 8 months old? I am reminded that his contemplative sitting and surveying the world, started very young.
The sweet and somewhat penetrating gaze - that would be followed by an outburst of total craziness. I love this shot of him, April 2007.
APRIL 2010
(All my pics from 2008 and 9 are missing, they were erased from my old pc, to my eternal dismay)
APRIL 2011
In so many pics I look at these days, he seems a bit...wistful. But this may well be just retrospect; he was nicknamed "Happy Danny" for a reason, and was really just sniffing the wind here on our daily walk/sit spot.
Another "Mr. Serious" profile - I love that bump on his nose so, so much. This was up at Dietrich's farm where I was boarding Dakota. He just adored those hikes when we had access up there.
As did I.
APRIL 2012
I love these images, I recall that particular early April day so so well. Dan and I had a specific set of walks we took, regularly - up the back hill, and from there we had several options - or we would go down a local road and off a variety of trails - lastly, there was the area behind the Rupert Community Centre, and SOMETIMES, we'd do a leash walk down Kennedy Road. I tried to vary it up for him - he seemed to love them all, the leash walk being his least favorite. But on this one day, we went somewhere totally unique for us, and he had so much fun. I didn't go there much as it was a farmer's land and I wasn't sure how cool it would be. But we were bursting with energy that year and there weren't enough places on earth for me and Dan, Dan and me. <3
Monkey Rabbit on his Hill.
APRIL 2014
I know, I know - this picture is awful! He's "behind bars" and - that look! Well, the reality is, I was on the other side of the garden, the part that was not fenced, and I had to leave him for a few minutes. He could still see me, but this was unacceptable anyway. After I went out to do my gardening - 20 minutes? We would both howl, literally howl like wolves when I came back in. So, morose as he looks here, it's a memory I cherish. It was hard for us to even be separated within eye range, for a short time.
APRIL 2015
This was a year with some pain - the loss of my two best-loved friends - one to a series of misunderstandings and perhaps unaddressed anger on his part, the other to treachery and duplicity that just broke my heart. But it was still the last truly good year in Rupert - aside from Alex's serious illness in December - 2016 we were turfed out, and that was just unbearable to me at that time.
All that said - I had Dan - and Dan always made everything ok for me.
The Sit. I have so many pics of this, when we'd take a break and he'd just sit beside me, watching, thinking - being Danny.
APRIL 2016
This was the year Danny turned 10. Although he had been healthy all his life, minor issues only, he was very white faced. Still incredibly puppyish - he was a Young Soul! but people thought he was in his dotage if they just saw his face. Bugged me, I admit, to hear that - as it turned out, he had almost 5 more years..
In 2016, the worst possible news happened - we were to be turned out of our home of 11 years, a home filled with 2000 books, with my animals, with a dedicated Temple, filled with my life. A home that represented the greatest stability I had ever known, and on land I felt spiritually embedded in, body and soul and ancestrally. When I look back, there were blessings in the eviction - that area is profoundly unhealthy, the house is right on the road, the house itself just riddled with mold. It is better we moved, actually, for the animals and ultimately for me. But at the time it was almost the death of me. We did not move till the following summer I fought it in court - but the free and easy, magical days Dan and I shared in Rupert were very badly impacted.
There are no pictures from April 2016 or 17 - in 16 I was in total shock and fear - in 17, in and out of court. I have other Danny pics from both years, but our previously joyful Aprils, nothing at all.
APRIL 2018
We had finally found Owlhaven (our current home) in July 2017, and so April 2018 was our first spring here. Danny was still very lively, turning 12 in August - he'd take off down the hill out back if something stirred him, which led to our unlovely but functional fence - he relished walks, he was active and seemed unfazed by the move. I have hilarious videos of him that year, tearing up toys and never indicating at all that he was 12! But, 2018 was also the year we got the news he had mild/moderate heart disease. He didn't do well with the meds, so I put him on a barrage of herbs and supplements - he accepted all with his usual good cheer. I however, had begin to worry.
His beautiful profile <3
APRIL 2019
No pictures from March to June, as I was in and out of hospitals and drs offices with a possible heart issue, that turned out not to be (thankfully) but was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
By June, we were having our circle walks again. His heart was still stable, but as he approached 13, he was getting slower. In September, I herniated a disc in the lower back and was laid up to the end of the year. It was a tough time for me, but Dan was stable...and always beside me.
APRIL 2020
So hard to write this one, as it was the last spring of his precious life. And in April, I only took a few shots of him asking for cookies - all of which have these funny glowy eyes. :(
We were walking in April - around the circle only, 20 minutes, but twice a day.
He was tired afterwards, but he loved the sniffing so much. Pics from later in the year show him digging and digging, sniffing and sniffing. All these dog smells! were so new to him.
April, 2020. He had started to pass blood in February, but an Xray showed no stones (after a urinalysis showed no infection) and his prostate was enlarged. Given that the Xray just traumatized him, and he seemed to respond to the herbal protocol, I did not go forward with an ultrasound.
Things would have been different if I had, but one way or another, we were approaching the end.
I admit, I prayed so hard for one last (good) April. The one I am now staring down, alone.
They tell me gratitude will replace this soul crushing grief someday.
I will wait for that.
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My gosh - he is a most stunning dog!!! His expressive eyes, that adorable white paw and, lo and behold, he wears his heart outside his body for all to see!!! What an incredibly appropriate marking on his chest <3
ReplyDeleteI can see why you adored him outwardly, but I know from all who have said that his true beauty lay inside and that was why he held your heart so completely. He will live in your heart forever Cat - every moment of every day.
Thank you so much for this comment - yesterday a friend reminded me that while his earthly remains are contained in an urn, SO SURREAL to me that is - his story, his beauty, his memory is contained by me. That brought me much peace. I have a long way to go and the pain is unrelenting, but I take the comfort I can. And your words mean a lot - Fonzie's Mom. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you.