It occurred to me earlier today, that while I have been going through my pictures month by month - Dan's Aprils, Mays, Junes etc - it's very powerful for me to also go back and revisit his life year by year. Part of the normal process of bereavement involves some disorientation about the passing of time - in my case, this is exacerbated by the PTSD issue - which started *probably* with my brother's suicide in 2004 and then definitely a severe episode after my first RR Luke's sudden and untimely death, just 2 weeks after his 8th birthday. Danny was a balm to my soul in every way - I adopted him just weeks after Luke died - and the way I lost him was so traumatic I still wake up at night in crisis - although finally, less so.
I am trying to remember, in greater detail, the first year I had him - 2007. And as may be the case with memory - there are specific days, incidents, that are as clear and vivid as if they happened today - and much of it is just a blur. I was not on Facebook - I look to old postings on forums, and my collection of images, to capture long buried memories and bring that year to life.
There is still so much lost, but when I am still, in the early morning or at twilight, when the day's work is done, I reach back to those early days - so long ago, and just yesterday too - and remember
I actually got Danny in October, 2006. The 20th, the be exact, was our "Gotcha Day. I've told the story many times, of how I came to have him - Luke had died suddenly, I mean zero warning - after his dinner and evening walk, he just collapsed, and since he was 130 pounds and I was alone in my country home I couldn't get him into the truck....can't go over the details here, he died in the parking lot of the emergency clinic in Ottawa, two hours after collapse. I was in a state of constant pain and grief, when I got news of a litter in Walkerton, about 9 hours from me, an unexpected litter and needing homes. It was only 7 weeks since I lost Luke, and the whole long drive to the puppies I was muttering to myself how insane it was, no one would ever be Luke, why was I even bothering, etc etc.
And then, you know, I saw him.
The breeder had let her 3 males into the room, which was already filled with cages containing recovering dogs (she was a vet tech) my own dog Lila was running around, it was very chaotic.And in the midst of this, Dan ran right straight to me and sat on my foot; gazing up at me with an expression like this (below). My friend turned to the breeder and said " I don't think we have to look at any other puppies".
Yes, it was love at first sight.....
I remember some things so vividly, like waking up the second night he was home, with his little nose in my ear, snoring away. The first night he had spent in the laundry hamper! I remember the Gatineau Park walk where we met a wolf - I remember walking a specific trail that was eventually closed off to us by the landowner - and Dan's incredibly glee at having found a portion of a porcupine skeleton, complete with a few quills! I was worried he'd puncture his little mouth, and took it away, flung it way off into the snow (this would have been his first winter, he was 4 -7 months). Next walk that same way, a few days later, and he made a beeline to where I had flung the skeleton. Lessons learned! My puppy is super smart, and anything I don't want him to have goes in a bag to throw out once home.
I don't remember our first Christmas at all, and seem to have lost pics from around that time, which pains me enormously.
I do remember, from 2007...
- the group I organized to meet in Rupert for walks. It didn't last long but it was fun while it did.
- meeting with Dan's litter brother Brody, and Alex's Mom and sister, for a walk out behind the community centre
- taking Dan and Lila out behind the Wakefield school for a snowy hike
- technically 2006, but an unforgettable visit with Santa in Ottawa
- Danny playing with Wilbur! We had playdates they both loved - then they moved away. :(
These two were so, so funny together....
and, he finds his place at the table. He sat in those chairs for years, eventually choosing one, which is battered and worn now but will always sit in my kitchen, with all my love and memories surrounding it.
Of course there are other memories - Lila had her big health crash on Hallowe'en night, the beginning of the end, and there was such a flurry of vet trips, tests - her surgery! that took a lot of my mind and energy in the fall. I was still mourning Luke so deeply. But through the year I had this bright eyed, crazy, happy spirit beside me every step of the way and he brought so much joy - 2007, and always.
Part Two in a few days. This took a long time and I am a bit worn out right now. Just continuing to honour and remember the incredible life that has left this earth, and work to heal the hole he left, and transform the pain to tender remembrance, always. Part of that work is writing and keeping the memories close. I am, and always will be, Daniel's Mom.
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