It's so hard to believe we are close to Christmas, and in just two months Danny will have been gone from my life for a whole year.
Much of it has been a blur as I tried to manage the most terrible grief, my back pain, depression, work and then my joyful but incredibly demanding puppy Gabriel.
The last few days, probably a confluence of factors, I've been really down and sad. But even through that haze, I feel insights coming through that are so important for me to integrate, and to share. I just wanted to take a few minutes and jot them both down here today.
1) Celebrate NOW.
2) It's not betrayal to do better
2) I can share love and it doesn't diminish Dan and me.
1) Sounds obvious to the point of cliche, but some things drive the point home so poignantly. I'm not doing much Christmas this year, but not ignoring it either - I did purchase a Swarovski Christmas Star from 2006, the year Dan was born and came into my life. We're getting a small - 4 ft - artificial tree, the first I've ever had, and I'm going to put it up even in future years when it's safe to do my full tree, and make it a memorial tree, starting with Dan. It may become a Danny tree and then a second small tree will cover all my other lost loves, I don't know. But the point is, as I was buying Dan's star I kept thinking, why do we wait till someone is gone, to memorialize? I mean, that's not the right word - celebrate, maybe? Buying the stars from years past is expensive and requires some hunting - I got 2006 at a steal, for 80$, some were listed at 300! but pragmatics aside, why not celebrate now? Although it hurt me to do so, I bought a 2021 star for the first year of Gabriel. (It hurt because I never did this with Dan, and I feel enormous guilt for all the love I feel towards Gabe, anything he gets Dan never had. I know this will ease in time).
To sum up - I have a table in one room of my house, with framed pictures of Danny, several photo books, various rabbits, a memorial plaque, candles etc - I'm working on several projects like a silver pendant in the shape of his chest angel, and painting stones (an artist I am not)..all kinds of things SINCE HE DIED. And some of that is appropriate of course, but some, like Christmas ornaments, can and should be incorporated into the here and now with the ones we love who are with us.
That may sound absurdly obvious to many but it wasn't to me. I get so caught up in survival - right now we are in a frighteningly slow phase and I still have to prioritize top quality food, a good coat, toys etc for Gabie - that I forget to do small, celebratory but meaningful things like a Gabe's first Christmas" ornament - or a framed pic of him on the wall NOW, not to wait till he's gone and then plaster the house with them.
2) Doing better with Gabe- this hits me all the time every day. I was preparing Gabe's breakfast this morning, and remembered how, when Danny was this age, I so often put down a bowl of (good) kibble for his breakfast, I was so out of it in the mornings ( a side effect of my beer habit n those days, which I have completely given up years ago). Dan was never neglected in any way, God forbid, and he had home made food throughout his life, at the end he had all home made, the last 3 years I made it fresh every day, too. And I not only balanced it to NRC values, I geared it always to his preferences. But I felt guilt this morning to the point of tears, dishing up home made meatloaf and a few supplements for Gabe's breakfast. Anything I feel I "do better" now hurts me so much. I will just have to find some way through this one. It is a daily companion....no amount of rationalizing, of intellectual understanding, helps it much at all.
I remind myself - this is not betrayal, it is growth, it is carrying forth the legacy.
3. I am gradually getting better with this. I remind myself that all the years I had my Dan, I also loved all the cats, Korky, and all the other dogs here - my darling Lila, in the beginning, and then two RR rescues, Tina and Amara. It has always felt to me like I can love other creatures, but also that all the love in the universe pales in comparison to how much I love Dan. I so often feel I have betrayed him by getting a pup - and, excruciatingly, when I am in the midst of a big "love-in" with Gabe, (he's such a cuddle bug) I feel these waves of guilt hit me, like "oh yeah, you loved Dan to the ends of the earth and 5 months after his death you just replaced him". I mean, I KNOW that isn't true, but yet I do it. What is it on me that makes this happen? Survivor guilt? I leaned about that phenomenon after my brother died....PTSD? Likely both?
I'm not really going anywhere with this post, just thinking out loud and hoping something might resonate wit others struggling with longterm grief. Every day is still a challenge and I feel - I KNOW, there is so much still to "process". And it gets harder as time passes and people around you think your grief is pathological, it's gone on too long, you are wallowing etc. Nothing so isolating and difficult as all that. Our grief is what it is and yes, it can be complicated and tied to other issues, and yes it can take years. What I do - one of the things I do, anyway - is write here and get clarity. I try to celebrate Gabie NOW, although I am so tired and in need fo a rest, I do make a conscious effort every day to celebrate his beautiful presence in my life. I struggle with feeling like I would have been a better Mom to Danny if I "knew then what I know now", even as I recognize how loved he always was. Lastly, loving again does not crap all over the years I had with Dan. I got this puppy to help me survive and that is exactly what he has done - helped me, at the same time I owe HIM all the love and care and focus Danny got and I strive to deliver it. Gabe is not a mistake or a replacement, he is my sweetie, my companion and my helper. There is not one iota of my love for Dan displaced by his presence in my life.
Not...one.
I started this post in December and just completed it now, April 18th. Not much has changed. Gabe is bigger, settling a bit and I am soldiering on through my many health and other challenges. I miss and mourn Danny evry day, as I face the second spring without him - which in fact, feels like the first spring,as last year I was deep in shock and living in some kind fo an altered state.
Occasionally these days I get clarity about WHY this is all so devastating - why meaning, beyond the loss of my dog, which is hard enough - and sometimes I get glimmers of healing, at least what to do if I ever had the time. I suppose I am moving forward.But it remains a long journey and very draining.
My heart is fully with everyone out there who is going through the same. And especially those whom the world simply does not understand.
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