Day Nine

It's been a while since I posted - a lot has happened. I'm still doing the Ten Days thing, although likely not consecutively. Over the past week, Danny has taken what appears to be a downturn - not one single thing, but a few - not wanting to eat normally (and refusing food with his heart herbs, sadly), obvious fatigue (although it IS hot) blood in the urine again which I was able to help with herbs (thankful for a relatively tasteless saw palmetto/pygeum capsule), until we can see the vet -  he's not himself. He's struggling to get onto the raised bed I have set up beside my now (I need a very high mattress since my injury). He can't seem to hear as well - still wants his walk but is winded very quickly.

In other words, he is suddenly seemingly very old.
Until very recently he was himself, with a white face and less energy (but still a good amount).

Things have changed.   I am telling myself that a vet trip can help - we can get him on some meds, test his blood and urine,  get more info, but likely all of the treatment, palliative. I can't put him through anything aggressive at almost 14. I see that he still perks up for his walk - is interested in food, just not his own - eats his cookies, tries to get cat food -  he's not completely enfeebled.
But, we are heading there.

And I just don't feel up to this task, emotionally - I am more than up to it in terms of making food and doing short walks and massages and little bits of daily enrichment - the week I just had off from the nonstop barrage of emails gave me serious time to be with him (and oddly,or maybe not  so much, that's when the decline became visible). But I seriously cannot bear losing him, I cannot stand seeing him in decline like this. The brightest, sweetest, happiest soul I've ever known. What am I going to do...I ask myself over and over.

I know we can likely get a few more months of life with good quality and comfort. I'm pretty sure of that.But I also know, now, since this week off, we are very near the end. And it is almost more than I can bear - but, bear it I will, for my love.

Todays "Day of Utmost Joy" is me feeling sorry for myself. Yes, Daniel has had a beautiful, magical life. Yes, he's been loved more than words can say. Yes, I will shepherd his passing with supreme love and care.
And none of it helps me at all.

 Still enjoys sniffing in the yard, of a morning.

Can't quite get on the bed alone.


I need to stay strong, and I will. But oh, the pain is intense and unrelenting.