And one last thought, before baking

Everything right now is Danny. And my friends would say, with varying tones that range from tender and  understanding, to amused and indulgent, to outright critical - "sooo.. what exactly has changed here?"

but the truth is, central as he is to my happiness, my daily life, my joy - there is a shift now as I am so panicked with losing him, and trying so hard to embody the "wisewoman" energy I am occasionally, very occasionally, accused of possessing.

And it's this; I can't look at anything without seeing a flashback or feeling an upswell of emotion I hardly know how to manage.

Example; the stand of Rosebay Willowherb is ALL ABOUT DANNY's prostate. 


All the Shepherd's purse and Sumac here  points me to the bleeding issue, that's what they are here for, Dan's prostate/UTI. No other reason.

I replace the newly washed bathmat he threw up on two days ago, and I remember a thousand times,  him curling up in it to sleep beside the tub whole I took a bath...the bed next door was more comfy,but nearness to Mom was everything. If I took a bath right this very minute, he'd be in there on that mat.


Rosebeads in the kitchen, made from the huge rose back at Rupert - I remember those days, gathering petals!  That oak mug I don't use so much in summer,  brings me back to so many foggy fall mornings out back, guzzling coffee- way way too much coffee - watching deer in the back, Dan so anxious to get out and get running.

Tatyana curled up with Dan, as she does all the time these days, brings back how Evita needed to snuggle with him when she was pregnant with Tatyana. He was not even a year old here.

He always radiated sweetness, warmth, innocence, joy.

We walk around the circle - 14 years ago I would have known most of the plants I see now, but now I can do so much more than ID them and talk about "uses". My plant knowledge exploded over the many years we spent in the woods together...the fields...and back home to my studies and his comfy bed at my feet.

I am in some strange liminal ghost world between the incredible gift of these vanished years (and especially Rupert, no matter how cruel it ultimately was to me)...and whatever lies ahead.


I want to do it all over again, so much.
I am stunned at how quickly a whole 14 years has vanished.
I look for a place inside to carry this, but it is too full of love to accept the load of loss and  sorrow.

I know I will find it when the day comes, when the absence appears - but not today.
Today is just about presence...and I do mean, literally, everywhere.