This morning I woke at 5 with anxiety, which really is the norm right now. I wake reliving the last few minutes - it all happened so fast - and sweating, heart pounding, crying in my sleep. It takes me a good 20 minutes to get calmed down. I make coffee, I feed cats, I pace and do breathwork. But what really helps get the episode under control is, I look at the Internet - Facebook, mostly. There are two streams over there that distract me - one is the spiritual realm, my OBOD groups, some Timelines and Pages that share beautiful images (Shamantube, Old Moss Woman, Contemplative Monk, many more) - the other is work-related, which ranges from many herbal Pages and Groups to my own (dog related) groups, where I often need to post a little something in response to member questions or to some misinformation that's been shared.
Both of these take me away from the reality, the emptiness, the anxiety and the self reproach, if only for awhile.
Always, of course, it comes crashing back, and I can't use the same strategy as I did last time. Industry helps me; doing dishes, making a soup, things that don't require me to concentrate. I bought a shelf for the bathroom before Dan died and I need to reorganize some stuff in there. Alex is unwell and needs herbal preparations. I've been trying to write here, but it feels empty even though I am very clear this isn't Facebook and I'm not expecting comments. It still feels like an echo chamber. And sometimes, coming here and seeing the images I've selected to share of him, of our former life, are horrendous triggers, not comforting at all.
So, distraction helps. I look at FB, I read herbal blogs, at night I watch tv series. I have to have that respite. But it doesn't go a long way to helping the healing process I don't think. That is where I am looking for help, reading about PTSD, and...struggling. Most of the sites I read on PTSD say, spend time with people/don't isolate! (HA! even without COVID, I'm not really sociable)...exercise (yeah right, in 3 feet of snow with a trashed back) .... eat well (I am actually trying) and seek help (not gonna happen, but I am buying books as my now very limited budget can stretch too).
I find I just have to stay on top of the waves of misery and identify them for what they are, as they come. So, a wave of pure heart-piercing missing him needs different handling from an anxiety laden flashback to his final moments. This morning I thought I was going to collapse with self reproach, and I took a piece of paper and wrote down (under the heading Compassion for Catherine) a whole list of things that I was dealing with this past 3 1/2 years, since we moved, the losses, the depression, the profound stress and overwork and now my back.. and STILL, I did pretty well with Danny. I got that clear in my head and I felt better. There is a potential backlog there, even if I feel better knowing I have been fighting so hard to keep us all ok since we moved, I remember that the 11 years prior in Dan's life I could have done better! but I try to be gentle and compassionate with that version of myself too...remember that she also, had much to deal with and was in a place of profound growth and spiritual development.
I will have to do it over and over, but knowing that clarity really is power when I am drowning in confused emotions, that helps.
Nothing resolves this and won't for some time. But what actually helps?
For me, the short list is (reiterating)
1) Mental clarity about what really happened - not allowing myself to let reasonable regrets turn into an overblown and false version of reality. I do this by writing in a grief journal, talking it through with Alex,or talking out loud as if I am addressing Danny. All three give me some relief.
2) Some books help. I bought about 30 books on loss and survivor guilt when I lost my brother; really only a couple helped at all. I went back to those and they weren't all useful (17 years later). I am reading a few I will link to at the bottom of this post as it's possible some of my fellow "Sisters in Sorrow" read these entries. The right words, whether in a book or on a site, help me. Some of the exercises I've described are from various books.
3) Various chores like cooking soups and organizing the bathroom - occupy my mind without requiring the level of concentration I need for work.
4) TV and movies, as long as they are trigger free (I am open to suggestions as we burn through our library and don't have Netflix).
5) Care and attention to the other animals here - my beloved cats who are all so concerned (and I am afraid Tatyana is actually sick - a separate post). Time with cats and Korky. Alex is taking care of Zeke round the clock but I spend time with him too. It's good to accept the love of others, let them participate in your process.
6) Work - as long as it's the right amount and not a crazed level like I usually do. (Yes I am consumed with guilt about that, irrational as it is - see #1 on this list).
7) Innerwork - prayer, meditation - I have been unable to do much at all so far as I've been in such acute pain, but it is so important and I am adding a little bit - in the right frame of mind - every day.
8) Creativity - I set up a makeshift memorial table for Dan, but I will b expanding it, adding artwork, poems, pictures and more, a place to always cherish him and visit the beauty and magic or our days together. Art heals, and art is all kinds of things. One day, I hope to build a Unicorn garden in his memory, as he was a Unicorn to me in every way. If you are suffering and creative, painting, writing, any sort of craft at all could help..or make a garden. I am in the planning stages, but it helps.
One example of a memorial garden.
There are other things that help, but this is a start. For anyone going through the acute stages of grief, I send you my love and deep wishes that you can heal in your own time, without the complications of guilt, anger and disorientation that can cause us all to suffer so much more than we need to. And Goddess knows, we suffer enough just losing them, don't we.
A few books helping right now
Bearing the Unbearable, Joanne Cacciatore
The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller
Dog Years, Mark Doty
Eternal Echoes, John O'Donohue
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