This Samhain - last night/today, is my first without my Dan in 15 years. We had 15 of them together and now, I walk forward without his physical presence beside me, not now nor ever again.
That said, he is strongly here in spirit, when I call. And yesterday/ last night - I called.
I am in a strange place, spiritually. It's a lot to go into, and I'm sure many are dealing with the same - loss, depression, despair for the world, broken hearted, fearful - some have the kind of faith that pulls them through these Dark Nights - others like myself, kind of have to do it on our own. I've neglected a lot of what I consider my spiritual practise, these past few years since I became the sole breadwinner, experienced severe health issues, and watched my darling heart Danny weaken and die. I realized recently the time spent in spiritual practise, in Inner work, in offerings and meditation, in sacred art and reading - in the forest! is not time I can just cut out of my life to answer a few dozen more emails, squeeze in time to mark assignments, help set up a new site or blog. After doing my client work and caring for my animals, it's next on the list. And already I feel...supported and stronger. I decided to do something yesterday and today, although I don't feel up to ritual, I honoured my ancestors and reached out to my sweetheart, I cooked (applesauce,Gabe's meatloaf shared with Dan, soul cakes as always and Nikiah Seed's intriguing spicy chocolate cake.). I sained the house, lit candles for my ancestors of blood and place, and journaled.
I also cut down some mugwort (my stand out back is just incredible - new shoots and leaves all the time) and harvested some rosemary, to make bundles, with the cedar I brought form Rupert, last visit. Today I will take them to the cemetery, where I plan to visit the ancestors buried there, in Rupert - going back four generations as far as I can track them - my great great grandparents buried near the sacred place I lived for 12 years. I will just leave a few on the graves of the people who lived here so many years ago, as I bless them and thank them for my life. Nothing more, not yet - although my work healing ancestral pain has a long way to go, it's so important to move cautiously.
My great great grandparent's grave, in Rupert- apparently James' mother is buried here as well, she is down on record as having died here - but I cannot locate her grave as yet.
I have resumed my ancestral and animism studies with Daniel Foor, and allotted specific times daily to make offerings, to tend my shrines, to read and relax.
And yes, with a seven month old puppy who would give the fabled Marley a run for the money, plus a more-than-fulltime job, this isn't easy. This morning while I made coffee, Gabriel started pulling the new mattress apart - he has already ripped my big splurge - new flannel sheets for the bigger bed - to shreds, again in the morning when I was too groggy to keep up with him. But, like taking real weekends, not fake ones where I still answer emails all day, has made a difference for me and I have seen the power of making space for my spiritual/emotional needs as well. I'll be keeping this up.
Talking to Dan - more...formally? than I usually do, was powerful - agonizing, but filled with so much love. I decided, too, that I'd take out his Little (my name for his harness) and wash it - that was very hard, as it was covered with his fur, and I didn't want to lose that - but it was also a bit stinky, and I want to keep his little pine box of special things smelling sweet, so I washed it. The pain just engulfed me the whole time, and I sang The Lost Words Blessing as I did it. ..and after I had, I saw that some of his fur had remained.
Yesterday and today have been strange, powerful, and I'm just grateful I still have the strength to do some baking, some ritual, on top of all the work. Gabe is beside me and so very loving - but as I said to a friend the other day, even if I had my health suddenly back, enough money to retire, and all the world's problems were solved in a flash - I'd be deep in grief, because I have lost Dan. All the good things in my life, which I cherish, and am so deeply grateful for - do not change the reality of loss. And that's what love is - traveling this life together, with our loved ones, and then staying connected and conscious after we lose them. Grief is powerful; and omnipresent, and complicated - it will take as long as it takes.
Clean harness and one of his Rabbit toys, on the wooden box filled with memories.
Blessings and love to all of you walking this Path of Pain; my heart is with you.
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