May

  Right now I am in an up and down stage - I'm  never "ok" but I have days where the sadness is just that - sadness, not tidal waves of sobbing, self blame, anxiety - I'm just sad, I just miss him with every breath, but I'm doing a bit better. On these days I work on my herbal courses, try to resume the very high energy I (mysteriously) had in January, the last month of  his life.

Yesterday was a tidal wave day, and I had two hours in the dental chair and then home to client work I was far too weak to tackle. I find that distancing right now, helps; when I zero in and focus, I fall apart.

Putting these pics together for a series of Danny's May images initiated much misery. I am learning so much about life from the death of this Bright Spirit who always felt like a gift from Above...one of which is, how easily we squander the time that is given to us.

Here are some May images from Dan's life, and they are, to me, incredibly poignant.

2007: he was 9 months old and BURSTING with life.

 

 In some of these images he looks so little, still, in others I see the beautiful young man he would become. He was always happy. He was always good.

 

                                                                       2008

I lost all most of 2008 when I switched computers - May 2008 we lost Lila, I have only these pics of that incredibly sad time. My father died a few weeks later, and I battled some depression for much of the year.

He lay with her like this the last three weeks, after her cancer had returned and we knew it was the end for her.
I think she finally forgave him for not being Luke. <3

 

Another of my alltime favorites of Dan, his pure joy in life, in running! and finding his Mom to always  be there and make things safe.

                                                           2009

Just two happy back field pics, a year unblemished by personal tragedy, a good year overall.

                                                               2010

 

 

Just a happy May afternoon out back, a good summer, blessed magical days.

                                                   

                                                          2011

                          So many happy afternoons out back. See the nettles are growing!

On this particular May walk, we went via an open field in Rupert, into the enchanted forest and beyond. He loved new and different walks and never, ever strayed too far from Mom.

Not quite 5 and already going grey. He could be very serious as well as joyful and hyper.

                                                                  2012

Some seriously good times - I was deep into herbal medicine making - spruce tips and lilac flower essence below - Dan was going greyer by the minute and not yet 6! but we had so much  happiness.

Lilacs for Lila, who died in May 2008. Every May the white lilac on our property bloomed and often, on the same day she died. I made Lilac Flower Essence there for years.


                                                               2013
                                              Deep into the mystic, we were

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                  2014

He was not quite 8 here and very grey, so many people we would meet would call him "an old guy". He was in fact very young, internally and at heart! He did forage vigorously for violets, which are cooling, moist and alterative, often used in cancer. I took note. This was our last good year before The Troubles hit.

                                                                2015


2015 was a good year until June, when I lost my cat Quinn on the road, was subjected to a vicious Internet attack by the boyfriend of a "competitor" and was so sadly betrayed by  a man I thought of as a brother, who ran my website and who left me completely lost trying to manage it on my own, over a dispute about what constitutes freedom of speech on  a forum we ran together. Later that year, the woman I thought of as my human Anam Cara, went into some kind of hate-thing toward me, badmouthing me all over and misinterpreting everything I said; ended with me laying out what, on MY end, was going on that needed to be dealt with and I never heard from her again - she continued to malign me all over, though, ending a ten year friendship that was deeply important to me. Lastly, Alex fell seriously ill, almost died, later that year and lost a very promising job opportunity out West,   starting the slide into complete inability to work at all.
And, 2016 was worse.

But in May, I was still filled with deep spiritual love of the land I lived on, joy and excitement for the work I do, and always, the magical and  amazing company of my true Anam Cara, my Danny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In 2016, in March, we were unceremoniously handed a notice of possession, meaning the owner's son was to take over the house, after I had mentioned that we needed to really address a few repairs, years overdue - wham! we were booted. I was so far beyond devastated I don't really have words, and the next two years were stress laden, anxiety driven nightmares as we searched for a place to bring all our animals...my apothecary...my BOOKS...so, no pictures. Dan turned 10 in 2016 and 11 in 2017, and right as we moved to our current address, the magical Owlhaven - he was diagnosed with valvular disease. Life changed, forever. 

2018

 

 

 

                                                                           2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the top image I can see his arched back - he was just starting to pass the odd blood clot, we were working on the premise it was his enlarged prostate. He was up and down all year, and this was to be his last May. The last image is particularly poignant.

My darling.