"This practice of
inner hospitality means welcoming in whatever it is we are experiencing as
having the possibility of wisdom for us."
Christine Valters Paintner
'Until our certitudes and our own little self-written success stories begin to fall apart, we usually won’t touch upon any form of deeper wisdom.'
Richard Rohr
These two quotations came up for me in rapid succession this morning, both jumping out very pointedly, from the page. They both apply to my process grieving Danny - to that aspect which is most mystifying to others, that of my self examination, "fault-finding" and daily (hourly sometimes) review of all that I can learn from Dan's last year. ...from our life together, everything that points toward work I still need to do.
Why is it that after losing a loved one, we humans suddenly explode into all that we wish we had done, that we regret, that we would change if only we could have our beloved back again? I actually patted myself on the back on occasion, about Dan. Alex liked to say "THANK GOD that dog came to you. If he'd been fed junk kibble, vaxxed every year, harshly disciplined, etc he wouldn' t have made 10 years old."
...and you know...I believe that is true, we achieved advanced old age in part due to my ministrations, gentleness, love, herbs....yes. I won't take that away from myself, from my story with Dan.
At the end of his life he was a central focus, even as I struggle with daily pain and fatigue, and the stress of COVID, finances and overdue projects. He had his three meals, handfed mostly, he had his herbs, I researched his health issues, I mopped endless indoor pee, I jumped up to smooth his bedding every single time he messed it up (which is to say, constantly). I tended to him with the deepest love, if also a large dose of denial.
And so yes, I can take credit as a loving and devoted Mom. But it is that last bit - denial - I need to address, not only with regard to my life with dogs, cats and one foul-mouthed bird who will no doubt outlive me - but in terms of my own mortality, and those I love. Denial can help us cope, but it can also blind us to things we need to do in preparation for inevitabilities - like loss, death, and all those things we prefer not to think about daily.
Here's an example of my souldeep denial at the end of Dan's life; a week before he died I wrote to his vet asking if neutering him might help.
At the end of his life he was a central focus, even as I struggle with daily pain and fatigue, and the stress of COVID, finances and overdue projects. He had his three meals, handfed mostly, he had his herbs, I researched his health issues, I mopped endless indoor pee, I jumped up to smooth his bedding every single time he messed it up (which is to say, constantly). I tended to him with the deepest love, if also a large dose of denial.
And so yes, I can take credit as a loving and devoted Mom. But it is that last bit - denial - I need to address, not only with regard to my life with dogs, cats and one foul-mouthed bird who will no doubt outlive me - but in terms of my own mortality, and those I love. Denial can help us cope, but it can also blind us to things we need to do in preparation for inevitabilities - like loss, death, and all those things we prefer not to think about daily.
Here's an example of my souldeep denial at the end of Dan's life; a week before he died I wrote to his vet asking if neutering him might help.
Despite his age and heart issue and GOLPP. I was desperate to stop the blood clots, what I thought was severe bacterial prostatitis. I would have done anything to stave off the inevitable.
Denial, is one thing that I need to address. The thought of losing Dan was so painful to me I just kept on fighting. So that - my tendency to defy the things I don't like and not accept them - is one aspect of wisdom I still have ahead of me, to learn.
And, there is so much more.
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