Mother's Day

 I was bracing myself for a day of sorrow, and I can't say that isn't true, as every day is just saturated with pain, still. But I did receive what seems like three gifts in a row...from whence they came, I have no concrete answers, having studied the Ineffable most of my life and no closer to saying more than "it is all a Great Mystery".
But there has always been something deeply sacred about my having Daniel, our years together, and so I look for something, a sign, a message, knowing full well that it is often when we are looking hardest we miss the most. This morning, I was not actually looking at all, and there they were.

 Today: I woke up at 6, from a dream of Danny, the first that was not an actual nightmare, since his death. It wasn't anything particularly pointed or dramatic - he had been away and came home, as if Alex had walked him on a day I was too sore; he greeted me with the usual enthusiasm, then went to lie down - on his side, on the floor, as he did when he was young and really winded. I recall standing looking at him thinking, I should hold him, I should go hold him and kiss his head and tell him I missed him so much - but then, he didn't seem to know he was gone for more than a regular bit of time, that anything was out of order at all. I simply stood there gazing at him, drinking him in, the simplicity and miracle of him lying on the floor here, large as life.

I woke up, felt engulfed in sadness, did the morning chores, coffee etc, tidying from last night's meal.  After a bit I realized I needed to give Frank his pill, so I went to open a tin of salmon and crush the pill into it. Passing the east-facing kitchen window I was stopped in my tracks by the sight of a rising sun positioned exactly between the forks of a young oak, and completely haloed in the soft mist, by a circle of orange-red light. It was...breathtaking, words can't do justice to how powerful and unique this vision was.I look out this same window at this time of day every morning, and have never seen this before. I considered waking Alex to get the camera, but thought, by the time I get him down here it will be one, and so will the moment of sacred silence in the presence of The Mystery. No picture I ever take does justice to anything  mundane, so why even try?

I stood gazing at it till the earth turned just enough to move the sun from between those two forks of the oak and the ethereal golden halo to dissipate. The image remained in my eyes for a long time afterwards, and I felt blessed.....moreso, though, I felt...contacted.
A strange and numinous feeling styaed with me as I just moved on with the day...a peace, something larger than sadness. It is with me still as I write these words.

The day become easier, and a while later I checked Facebook as I always do in the mornings - both for business purposes and social contact.  I was tempted to take a break from it today, due to Mother's Day being too much pain for me, but I caved and had a look. Literally the first thing I saw was this, from Bishop Steven Charleston, whose writings I adore:

"Many nations and cultures around the world have one day set aside to honor those who are mothers. That sounds so natural to a Native American community like my own where we are matrilineal; "We take the good intention of a mother’s day and spread it out among all the other days of the year as well. That’s why we have such a broad definition of motherhood in my tradition. We believe you do not even have to have children to be a mother. It opens our hearts to understand that we all have known many mothers in our lifetime. They are the ones who nurture, who protect, and who guide. The role of a mother that they embody is a cornerstone of our best and most formative relationships. So yes, like so many others, I celebrate my own mother today, just as I celebrate the many mothers of all kinds who have blessed another life with love unconditional."

I have always thought of myself as Dan's Mom, from the day he chose me in a crowded room of dogs and people, just a baby, 10 weeks old and alone.  There are those who entirely understand this, and those who scoff, but it is my deepest, lived emotional truth - I was Dan's Mom, and today is filled with an extra shot of pain for me. And  I look out back at the nursing squirrel mother raiding a bird feeder, and I feel the energy of all Mothers...the cosmic power of motherlove itself. Isn't that what we need to  contact, celebrate, honour - today and always?

To all who are going through similar anguish, who have lost a being they love unconditionally and with all their heart; I send my empathy, understanding, and love. It may not be a Happy Mother's Day today for you, but rest assured, it IS, in fact, a Mother's Day.
May the signs come to you, sing to you, and embrace your broken heart.